he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
