Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
