i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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