Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
