She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
someone owes me an orgasm
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
