and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
