i would punch a child for taco bell
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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