May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
