you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
