You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
