god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
