We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
