Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
