My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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