I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
