Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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