omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
