I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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