cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
