u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I did not marry a roomba.
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