whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You ruined the universe
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
