I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
