YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
