remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
