No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize