Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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