I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
