i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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