well I can't set my house on fire every night
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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