Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
this hospital has no fireball
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
