Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize