blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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