I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
