You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
