Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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