anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
