so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
