Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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