just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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