Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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