doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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