Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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