you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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