i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
