Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
