Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
