He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
