I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
