Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
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