I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
