We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
