why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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