well I can't set my house on fire every night
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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