He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
