I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize