Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
